my best friends name is elsa and today she said “i wish people would stop asking me if i wanna build a fucking snowman”
my dad used to be a doorman or something i don’t know
but when children would hang on doors he would say “Don’t play with the doors, Jim Morrison played with the doors and he’s dead.”
and parents would lose their shit.
"I really wish there was a web series of Elliot hanging out with his other friends, telling them about the insane group of people he’s met recently… ‘They all went to this high school that just, like, churns out professional entertainers, and, I swear, when they’re not trying to live with me, they all stay in one apartment that doesn’t even have any walls. Super weird, man.’" (x)
I was sitting on my friends bed with her when she came out as gay
and I was looking through a Chinese food pamphlet
so I put it down, looked at her and said “I was going to suggest ordering food but I see now you’d prefer to eat out”
and I don’t think she’s ever really forgave me
so my dad’s friend was bartending and saw a guy put something in a girl’s drink so while the guy turned around he switched their drinks and watched the guy roofie himself.
remember way back in 2006 when the wii first came out and then the entirety of the world forgot how to hold onto something with a firm grasp so much that nintendo had to make a shock absorbing condom just so that tvs wouldnt get destroyed when people would end up sending this thing flying at their tvs at 900 miles per hour
have i told you guys about that one time i had to do a presentation on class but i was being a lazy fuck so i just copied one i found on the internet and presented it but the whole time my teacher was giving me weird glares ok so after i was done i realized the work i copied had my university watermark on it but like from years ago long story short i had copied my teacher’s work when he was a student and presented it to him years later
British comedy will always give me a sense of national pride like nothing else can
Then one day you’re gonna wake up and realize that ‘I don’t love him anymore.’
found the twelve year old
this is almost as fun as ‘find the vegan’
we are not entertainment clowns. we simply eat healthy. go back to burger king.
i found the vegan